It’s fine. I get it.
I’ll let go…
today was the shittiest day ever. i locked myself out of the house this morning. great way to start the day right? couldn’t get in the house, couldn’t get in the car. fantastic. then i broke my sewing machine. not only was i already freaking out about how many cosplays i have to sew and all the prep before con, but now i don’t even have a sewing machine to do it. i already flaked on so many groups and photoshoots i was supposed to be in. con is so stressful, i almost don’t want to go. so now i’m panicing hardcore and have to either buy a new one of get it fixed. these are minor problems though. i can still manage and get through the day.
it only gets worse. i went to the doctors office to pick up my jacket that i left there and he was creepy again. getting close and touching me. so i quit. i just spur of the moment quit. now i’m doubting myself, wondering if i made the right decision. it was impulsive, but it was something that’s been building up in me. the pay was amazing. he did a lot for me as well. i still have my opto job which i love though. i’ll deal with the consequences later.
about 2 hours ago i got a call from my friend. he informed me our friend was on his motorcycle going home and a car ran a red light and hit him. he was killed instantly. i’m still in shock right now. i really want to lose it. fuck the world.
there’s so much going on in my head right now. not just my head, my whole body. everything is scrambled, jumbled, and wanting to explode. this is when i start to run. but that’s not what you want right? you wanted me to be around so you could be there for me. but now you can’t be there for me because always means nothing to you. so it’s too late now. you hate me and that’s fine. i deserve that. and if i need you right now then i’m shit out of luck. god it’s been so long. i sign in and haven’t seen you since then. that’s fine.
i want to go out for a drive. but i know i shouldn’t.
I’m so confused. I don’t know what to believe or think anymore. If my end conclusion is correct, it just went from you hating me to there being a chance you would ever like me. I understnad why you would want me to let you go if my conclusion is right. I’m telling you everything I think and everything I am scared of, I wish you would be honest with me and yourself as well, but I know I don’t deserve that. I can’t lie. I might fall for you again. I might not. If you need to know for certain that I won’t fall for you so that we can be friends I understand. I really do. You don’t want to fall for me. You don’t want me to fall for you in case you can’t say no. And you don’t want to be used. I get it. If that’s what you need and want, then I will keep myself in check. I won’t let myself get so close to you that I could fall. I will distance myself, but not disappear. I will limit things I say and do to prevent anyone from falling. I will go out and actively search for a guy to fall for instead. I wonder if this is enough for you, since my promises probably mean nothing to you. I wonder if this is what you truly want, or if your personality is like me and you think like me.
Perhaps I’m wrong. Maybe there is another reason as to why if I fall for you again that it would be your problem. I’ll think about it more. Your words ring in my head and right now all I hear is that to you, always being there means nothing. My soul dies a little more every time I hear it. I actually believed you before. I’ll learn one day, to not need anyone.
Tell me what you want. Tell me what you need. I will do whatever it takes, to keep you in my life.
You’re right. I’m a coward. i’m a wuss. I’m never got get things right. I’m too scared. I run too often. i don’t know how to fight. I want to give up. So soon already. I just want to disappear and never resurface. No one would miss me. No one would care.
I don’t know where to go so I’ll come here. I’m crying right now. Truth is I cry everytime I finish a conversation with you. I’m so conflicted inside. I know this is nothing compared to what you went through. Sometimes I feel like this is worse. At least yours was definitive. I was gone. There is no inbetween ground. There are so many things I want to say to you. I’ve never fought or tried before. I’m never one to force myself onto others. And telling me to go away. Those words coming from you, especially, mean a lot. I know you wouldn’t say it unless you meant it. Really REALLY meant it. So maybe I’m wrong to keep pushing and fighting for you. Some people don’t want to be chased after, maybe you are one of them. I lose hope eveytime we talk, if that’s even considered talking. You ignore me, which is what I expected. But I guess this feeling is new to me and it sucks. I start to second guess myself and my actions. I talk to you about things no one else knows. So in a way maybe its good for you to be silent. Then I can sort out my thoughts. Do I give up or keep fighting? I don’t want to keep fighting if its not helping. And it’s probably not. Nothing’s changed since I made this decision. A week isn’t a long time anyways. But what is? If its like this after a month? 6 months? A year? 10 years? I wonder if you know. I wonder if you care. I wonder if you even read my messages. Even if you don’t, I deserve that. Everything that I’m getting and feeling I deserve. I’m not even worth a second chance.
I’m angry at myself for being who I am. For running away when things get bad. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I don’t know how to let people be there for me. I’m sorry I push people away. There’s a reason for everything. I’m hurting too. When I leave it’s not because I’m happy. Its not like I only come to you when I need you and I use you. No when I run away and leave its because my lfe is complete and utter shit and I don’t want you to have to deal with it. I don’t want to be a burden to you. So think about how much pain and suffering I am going through while I’m gone. I’m trying to deal with my crap and figure it out. I’m not prancing around all dandy. So you want me to be a burden to you and stick around when I’m in crap mood. Now I’m a burden to you for fighting for you and look what happens. You didn’t even ask me what happened or what I did while I was gone. Dis you know my parents were thinking about divorce? Did you know that my boss was basically sexually harassing me? There’s so many things you don’t know. I don’t leave becuse I’m selfish. I run because its what I know best in desperate situations. If you want to help me, don’t expect me to get everything right the first time. I’m human too. This may be easy and common sense for other people, but its not for me. If you want to be there for me, then teach me when I make a mistake.
You said you would always be there for me. And then asked how you could be there for me if I’m not around. Now I’m back and you’re not being there for me. So what’s the point of saying you’ll always be there for me in the first place. To me, always being there means that I always have the option to talk to you, trust you and you will help me. But it doesn’t mean I have to take that option all the time. Maybe we have different meanings. I’m crying. I hate this. All this happened because I said I needed you.
